Lately, believe it or not, I have been feeling “normal”. Whatever that means…right? I guess I have been feeling like the old me (mostly), the pre-transverse myelitis me. I have been existing and pushing myself and going going going. My body decided that I needed a nudge to cool my jets. Now, by nudge I really mean – brutal reminder.
Since June 2nd I have been physically out of commission, thankfully my brain is still functioning (or at least I think so). I have been extremely fatigued and lethargic. In addition to that my nerve pain skyrocketed that week. I had trouble walking and even had a couple stumbles, falls and mishaps.
It is weeks like this that make me feel like I am weak, fragile and breakable. Although I appear ‘fine’ and look ‘normal’ I am battling this demon on the inside. Generally I wear a mask so that I am not calling more attention to myself than necessary. This week I am proud to say, that when asked about how I was doing or holding up I answered more honestly than I have in the past. I never want to burden anyone with my troubles and pain because everyone is fighting their own battles.
I think that the week prior I must have over done it. It is so easy to do though…stay up past 10pm a few nights, end of the school year activities, household chores, go out to a concert, take pictures and boom I have over extended my capacity to exist. Many times I do not know that I have done too much until after it hits me the next day because it is a very fine faint gray line.
Honestly it is a struggle, usually a hidden one. I try very hard to still live a full life and enjoy many things without pushing myself too far. One thing that makes this difficult is that what I can do or the amount of what I am able to do changes every few weeks. Sometimes I make gains and others I regress. Thankfully over the last two and a half years I have made more gains.