Health · My Blog · Transverse Myelitis

Would I have done things differently?

If I had known I would get sick; that I would lose so much sensation, muscle control and certain abilities, such as:  be unable to run, jump or stand on my tippy toes – what would that knowledge have changed? 

Would I have stressed and agonized about the impending loss? probably

Would I have relished and savored every moment a little more?

Would I have strengthened my muscles in an attempt to lose less?

Would I have endured more sleepless nights and nightmares?

Would I have lived more in the moment?

Would I have documented things to look back on and remember?

Would I have been more present or distracted and distant?

Honestly I am not sure. Due to my personality I feel like I would have been crippled by anxiety and overwhelmed with attempting to plan and prepare. The stress would have caused problems with my health and relationships. Most likely I would have been so focused on what was to come that I would have missed out on many moments and experiences. This knowledge makes me grateful that it was a surprise, even if it was a terrible one.

I have heard many people say things about ‘if they had known that they would lose this or get sick then they could have savored x,y and z.’ On occasion I have had similar, yet fleeting thoughts. These thoughts last for a moment until the realistic and rational side of me remembers who I am and how it really would have affected me. A part of me wishes I would have paid more attention to physical sensations and soaked up the feeling of running free more than I did. Maybe I could have done a better job at documenting things to help jog my memory.

Now, I cannot change how things went and I have made peace with that. It is a good reminder for me to try to live in the moment. To enjoy what is happening in the now because a live can change forever at any given moment.