If I had known I would get sick; that I would lose so much sensation, muscle control and certain abilities, such as: be unable to run, jump or stand on my tippy toes – what would that knowledge have changed?
Would I have stressed and agonized about the impending loss? probably
Would I have relished and savored every moment a little more?
Would I have strengthened my muscles in an attempt to lose less?
Would I have endured more sleepless nights and nightmares?
Would I have lived more in the moment?
Would I have documented things to look back on and remember?
Would I have been more present or distracted and distant?
Honestly I am not sure. Due to my personality I feel like I would have been crippled by anxiety and overwhelmed with attempting to plan and prepare. The stress would have caused problems with my health and relationships. Most likely I would have been so focused on what was to come that I would have missed out on many moments and experiences. This knowledge makes me grateful that it was a surprise, even if it was a terrible one.
I have heard many people say things about ‘if they had known that they would lose this or get sick then they could have savored x,y and z.’ On occasion I have had similar, yet fleeting thoughts. These thoughts last for a moment until the realistic and rational side of me remembers who I am and how it really would have affected me. A part of me wishes I would have paid more attention to physical sensations and soaked up the feeling of running free more than I did. Maybe I could have done a better job at documenting things to help jog my memory.
Now, I cannot change how things went and I have made peace with that. It is a good reminder for me to try to live in the moment. To enjoy what is happening in the now because a live can change forever at any given moment.