Loss

As I sit on the shore of Lake Michigan I am overcome with emotions. I don’t know if it’s the lake or that I find myself near my breaking point. I feel more when I am here. Not just emotionally, but physically. Almost 3 years ago my life changed in ways that I could never have anticipated. ( The New Normal (long read) ) Since the onset of Transverse Myelitis I have recovered many things, however, most feelings and sensations did not come back. On the rare occasion I do feel something other than nerve pain, it is not a normal sensation.

Here at lake Michigan where it is always windy, sandy and full of cold moving water I feel. It’s not what anyone else would feel, but it is something. It’s like ripples of static electricity moving up my calves. So rhythmic and unique, almost pleasurable. Such an incredible contrast to the stabbing pain I am usually met with. Pair that with the wind and the waves and my mind is clear. I am able to be present, exist and just feel.

Honestly it is moments like this that make me want to break down and cry. It shows me not just that I can feel something, but it also reminds me of how much I don’t feel – everything I have lost. Of every little tingle. Each tiny touch. A brush of a blade of grass or the squish of soft carpet. All of which are distant memories…each slowly fading.

Yes I know I can still live a happy and full life, but its days like today that I mourn my loss.